As much sh*t as bulimia causes in my day to day, you would think I would’ve enjoyed those 3 days.

Not really.

I want to lose weight, period.

If my choice is to feel like crap and be fat, or feel like crap and be smaller… I have to choose the latter because I’ve been crappy and fat since I was 5 and its  beyond old at this point.

so join me for dinner to night and don’t worry yourself over the calories, it ruins the appetite and this sh*ts too good

Aww Dad, you’re just one big pep-talk and I <3 you so much!

Even if you give me that disappointed look every time you think I have purged upstairs.    -_-

Oh, and Dad wants to start a raw vegan diet.

Wow.

I find this awesome. I support him 100% .

Big guy…From Texas…Loves Meat…Hates Veggies…

= New Raw Vegan

Dad you are always up for a new challenge, and I will always admire you for that.

love,

Folly

I am also way off my weight-loss schedule, and that sh*t can’t fly for me because I’m on crunch time as it is.

So in a sincere effort to gain some self-control, I am attempting to refrain from purging for the next 5 days.  I know to some that sounds pitiful but to be honest, if I can’t purge…. I can’t eat.

and I love to eat

I have no will power what so ever, but I need some rest. I’m waking up shaking like a leaf and finding it difficult to focus. I need all my faculties to be functional so I can get sh*t done, but in this state all I can seem to do is roll over in bed and take another aspirin.

If you can spare it, wish me luck.

But after awhile I stopped hiding stuff because as bad as it sounds, I got a kick out of parading junk food in front of my Mom and watching her gawk at my rapid weight-loss regardless of what seemed to be eaten and thrown in the garbage the next day.

Immature move.  I’ve admitted that this is a problem of mine.

Well now my parents have exchanged places and Dad is back home (yes!), Mom is working things out on her own (good luck with that).

Dad knows I have some issues, but he is supportive not pushy or judgmental.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping for everyone and bought myself a bag of chips to devour like usual, but a few hours later I see it empty in the garbage. And I didn’t eat it.

Then it all hit me, I knew this but I didn’t think.

My Dad is an over-eater.  During the past few years he has lost a good amount of weight and managed to keep it off ( I think he looks great) But he still isn’t the weight he wants and he even tells me that he “binges” from time to time.

He is a diabetic with high blood pressure and he has suffered from depression and a mild heart-attack.

I buy this crap intending to purge it and forget it, I don’t care about the risks to myself. But my Dad’s well-being is everything and I’ve carelessly put him in the midst of triggers. Knowing full well he is a self-proclaimed emotional eater going through a divorce in a house where he spent half of his 25 year marriage!

I’ve been adding to his bad health with every piece of junk I’ve put in his face (as if my daily presence in his life didn’t add to it enough already)

WHY THE F*CK IS THIS JUST NOW OCCURRING TO ME?!

Maybe because he hides his issues even better than I do. Of course he later went to the store and bought me beer and a replacement bag of chips.

Did I also mention he is Co-Dependent?

I know what I have to do to try to make this right, and reinstating the “secret pantry” isn’t going to cut it.  I need to move out and be bad all by myself, before I take my Dad down with me.

I justify doing what it takes to get what I want regardless of what does to those around me. In the beginning my method was simple, keep my issues behind closed doors and focus on helping everyone else with their problems. For me this worked fine, but apparently its starting to fall apart.

I have manipulated my truth telling to make it seem as though I’m working on recovering. I confess some of what I do, reason out why I should stop and then tell them that I am committed to the process of stopping (even with false updates from time to time).

Well as you guessed it, this con of half confessing to thwart suspicion is not working so well, now that I live with my Dad and not my “too busy with her own issues to give a flying-f*ck about anyone but herself ” Mother.

So while I reconfigure my strategy I will seek to stuff my face with this

And follow it with lots of this

School is no longer an issue because I couldn’t return to my program, even begrudgingly, as I planned on doing in the fall.  I’ve been dismissed for failing a class by 1 point with a D.   Well sh*t, now what?

J-O-B      H-U-N-T-I-N-G        O_o

Since I flitted around from college to college over the past 3 years, I really haven’t had to keep one.  Now I am at the mercy of every assistant manager from this town’s shopping center to the next, as I have neither the qualifications nor the experience to justify getting any  position above “chik-fil-a  cow mascot”.

But I’m not sweating the job search. I got a bigger problem.

I have yet to drop this bomb on my Dad. Who does nothing but support me (emotionally and monetarily), while I slap him in the face with failure after failure.

Oh Lord, what did he do to deserve a kid like me…..

And while I have your ear God, please bless this fruit pie (and the 20 others I will also consume) with the power to heal this weary f*ck-up and grant her awesome interview skills and references.  Amen.

While I’m not proud of the empty Ball Park Frank package or the 5 others of miscellaneous food stuffs; at least there is still enough beer for tonight.  Which I am proud of seeing as $100 bucks worth of groceries barely lasted 2 days with only myself to consume them.

For me,  bulimia = constantly hungry and constantly broke

Now I’m going to school to complete another final, which of course I couldn’t care less about. I put on a good act to everyone there but in reality I’m more nervous about today’s weigh-in (which will make or break me) rather than a useless comprehensive practicum worth 20% of my grade.

Pathetic, I know, but I’m trying to be truthful for once.

I have however searched for a place where others like me could support one another without receiving a lecture on the obvious downfalls on our methods.

So, does wanting to support and connect with other bulimics at various stages (i.e. current or recovering) make me pro-mia or is that title just reserved for those who promote bulimia like its a justifiable weight-loss option for anyone trying to shed pounds?

Regardless, I feel at odds with myself at times. I never woke up one day and said to myself  “Let’s see what problem I can diagnose myself with…ah Bulimia that sounds fun”.  No, I woke up one day and weighed myself and felt more desperate to lose weight than at any other time in my life.

Did someone suggest it? No.  I purged once, felt better.  Months later I looked back and wondered how it got to be so routine. Now I’m isolated but stubborn. Am I looking for others to justify my actions? or do I want advice on how to stop? Can bulimics help each other to stop? or are we really  just  helping each other accept it as a way of life?

I honestly don’t know, but what I do know is that feeling alone is the worse and while I don’t wish to complain it would be nice to hear “I know how you feel” every once in awhile.

So  after years of dieting & exercising to get on track and binging myself back off track, I hit my highest weight ever (a number I still can’t type even with the anonymity of this blog).

Telling myself  that another diet wouldn’t work for the simple fact that I couldn’t consistently follow one, I asked out loud “How the hell can I eat all this and still have a chance of losing any weight?”

Bloated and desperate, I answered myself  with “This sh*ts  gotta get out and its gotta get out now”

What can I say for myself? It’s an institution in my day to day life now, a source of consistency oddly enough. I don’t weigh the good or the bad anymore. It is what is and I have a hard time seeing my life void of it, when I’m still so far from my goals.